Negative Reinforcement, Parenting, Jiu Jitsu, Discipline & Resilience (Ep. 05 Royal Carney)
In this episode of We Interview Coaches I had a lively chat with Coach Royal Carney about:
The role of negative reinforcement in parenting;
Masculinity and being better role models for our sons;
Jiu Jitsu, habits & discipline, and;
Resilience, and how parents can create confidence in our children.
What an enlightening conversation! Royal Carney is a certified professional coach to students and parents, and specializes in developing healthy habits that maximize human potential—a passion we both share. His Silent Path Coaching Program is based in part on giving clients a strong foundation of confidence and self-esteem so they can become the best possible version of themselves. Enjoy! —MP
***Video transcript follows***
00:00:02 Mike Pietrzak: Hey, welcome everyone. I'm Coach Mike Pietrzak I'm on a mission to help you become your potential. Today I'm excited to be speaking with Royal Carney, certified personal coach to students and parents. Royal specializes in developing healthy habits that maximize human potential, something that it's a passion we both share. In his silent path. Coaching program is based in part on giving clients a strong foundation of confidence and self esteem, so that they can become the best possible version of themselves, which I think is what we're all after, isn't it. Royal, welcome.
00:00:32 Royal Carney: Thanks for having me my Mike. This is an awesome opportunity. I always like to talk to fellow colleagues and express our passion right?
00:00:42 Mike Pietrzak: Yes, I'm I'm glad you're excited and, more than anything else, I think I'm curious about you, to hear your story. This is the first time we're we're talking face-to-face but you mentioned that the reason you focused on coaching teenagers is that you got yourself into a lot of trouble as a teen, drinking and fighting, you told me "I had so many close calls in my life and was only lucky to come out of them alive." Give us a look into your teen years and how this led to the work you're doing now.
00:01:08 Royal Carney: Yeah, yeah, it's so. I was your typical normal Canadian kid growing up playing sports and hockey and baseball. At that time were the the big sports in Toronto, basketball was in its infancy, soccer was still coming up and getting strong, but I started in both those sports and was never really a good student. I peaked in around grade three. I remember I had a record perfect spelling test, like 30 in a row, but that was. That was like the peak of my academic career until I turned it around. But so I was basically an athlete. I always liked activity. Being being a boy, I was always into wrestling and martial arts, et cetera, but really focused on baseball and hockey and around like 15 or 16, you realize whether you're going to pursue hockey career right, and my goal was to make the Ontario Hockey League, and that wasn't going to happen. I wasn't good enough and so I played for my high school team for a bit but then realized I wasn't going anywhere and so I stopped playing and that was a real turning-point, a detrimental at that time turning-point for me right, I lost my focus and the identity I had tied up in being an athlete and someone who was really physical. So that was gone and I couldn't fall back on my academics at that point because I just wasn't good at school and I was skipping school a lot. So I look back at it now as a loss of identity and I started fighting and drinking a lot with with my friends at the time, and so it manifested in me getting an identity as a rough kid and fighter. So I got a lot of attention that way. But then my life started to spiral downwards. So I continued fighting and I was in a knife fight where I got cut right in my neck and it was close to an artery, I was only lucky, told by the doctor when I went in to get it stitched up, you were like someone was watching over you, which I always believe in my life. So that was a close call and and the turning-point for me was I was coming back from a bar one night on Queen Street with a group of my friends and we were of course intoxicated and I bumped into a group of adults. So they are probably were 25 years older than me. But I bumped into a man being the jerk that I was at that time and misdirected and started a fight with him and I hit him so hard, I put him out cold and I thought I'd killed him. It shocked me.
00:03:59 Mike Pietrzak: And you were how old at this time?
00:04:00 Royal Carney: I think it was 19, 18, old enough to know better and an adult. So I ran because I was already in trouble with the police at that time and I didn't want to stick around. But I thought I killed him later on. I found out he got up and I made a promise to God right there that I will turn my life around because it kind of scared me straight and from that day forward certain friends had gone on to university. I was at that time, were involved. Right, great 13, yeah, so so I had to go back and finish grade 12 and I had to redo grade 13 and I had to. So I went to an alternative school and I had a fantastic teacher. I'll turn to school at Sol in Toronto. It's it's basically like coaching life coaching. It's the funny thing. It's one on one communication with somebody and I met a teacher named Lisa Turner there and she really helped me find myself and help me settle into myself without any judgment and slowly started to change myself. Perspective. And I realized I could be good at school if I applied myself instead of developing the proper habits, and I was just lucky to turn it around, cause I had so many close calls, like I told you before, and you hear about it on the news all the time, where some one makes a mistake as a teenager and you know pretty much ends their life or sends them on a path that they can't come back from right. So.
00:05:37 Mike Pietrzak: Yeah, you snap at the moment and then you do something that impacts the rest of your life.
00:05:43 Royal Carney: Right, yeah, so I had many of those moments, but I was lucky that I was able to turn it around, and so that's where my passion lies, where I see kids that I teach now that possibly could be going down the same road as me, or they're at their infancy of it and trying to change their self perspective. And if you change yourself, perspective, as we know, the example that are there in the world, you change your life, you can change your life better for the work or for the worse. But but if you like, as a coach, we want to change people's perspective, perspective for the better.
00:06:15 Mike Pietrzak: What an incredible story! So there there's a lot going on there, but it strikes me that you've essentially become the mentor that you had; her name was Lisa?
00:06:24 Royal Carney: Lisa Turner, she was fantastic. I only had her for a year, but it's incredible: someone's impact and even, like you, can have a conversation with someone and they can impact people.
00:06:35 Mike Pietrzak: Now you're doing the work that that she was doing with you, essentially.
00:06:38 Royal Carney: Yeah, and I had a lot of good people like parents are fantastic and that's another aspect of this. Like near teenager, it's very hard to listen to your parents. Very, very rarely does that happen. The message I recall. I think it's you know, we're talking to parents the last 15 years. It's pretty much common right. So you need that outside mentor to to really help you and guide you. That can really get a message, clear, positive message across, some right.
00:07:09 Mike Pietrzak: Why don't why don't young people hear what their parents have to say or take it to heart? Is this something that you've seen change over the years? Is this universal?
00:07:18 Royal Carney: I think I think it's universal right. I mean like it's just familiarity breeds contempt. I believe the saying goes right, like when you're just too familiar with something, you stop listening right, and it's also something with the independence thing. We want to strike out independently on our own and at that time in our life, parents, as some people who might be holding us back from that.
00:07:49 Mike Pietrzak: I see that in my life too, I don't I don't think that's necessary, specific to to young people, but even with my wife, and you know, being stuck in the pandemic together for. 18 months, you know you, you go through the rough patches and you maybe I maybe started to take her for granted at times, and there are, I think, reasons to to go away for a weekend by yourself and go to the woods. The other weekend and my wife went to Toronto and had some some time with her friends and it was great apart-time for us. She came back and we're we're like you know, we're like the newlyweds again... almost.
00:08:22 Royal Carney: It's healthy, I think it's I think it's healthy for people right. There's time and space for sure, and yeah, so I think it lies somewhere in there right. But you're right, it's not exclusive to just teenagers and and parents and children, couples too, right.
00:08:42 Mike Pietrzak: And you mentioned that you know you weren't strong academically. I really wasn't either. I was sort of a B student, I mean you know not the worst kid in the world, but and you know, until 16 you were in sports, which kind of kept you in line, gave you the discipline to maybe keep your your life moving forward. I've seen this a lot where people leave sports or even the military, and they lose that discipline, and things start to go wrong. Have you noticed this as well with your clients?
00:09:09 Royal Carney: Yeah, yeah, particularly students who move on and then stop playing sports, for sure, they lose that discipline. It's it's a positive outlet right and it's a way for me. I can speak for myself too. I am much healthier in body and spirit when I'm when I'm keeping track of what I'm eating, I'm getting up at a certain hour, I'm working out consistently. I'm a much healthier wife can attest to that right and it's and it transcends from my physical to my mental to my spiritual health right.
00:09:47 Mike Pietrzak: I 100% know what you're talking about. I think that's so important. If you want to lead a wholesome, fulfilling life, you do have to focus on all of those aspects, you know there's the mental, the physical, what you're eating. And I've recently come to discover this first-hand about diet. My wife and I we went on a 90 cleanse and we sort of stopped eating all sugar and fruits and gluten and grain. And it's amazing the you know the mental clarity that that that brought me within the first week or two and we've really been able to stick to that because we see the results and we feel it so. But I know when I have a cheat and have a pizza or something I'm in a bad place: energy levels and the self talk. It's amazing how how much that does impact you and we don't really talk about that enough.
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00:10:34 Royal Carney: Right right, I agree, and it comes back to like everybody's different right, like what works for you is not necessarily going to work for me. So you got a fine, but that the principles are yes, like like I need my rest, I need my good nutrition, whole foods, I need my exercise and for myself my thing. I need my quiet time. I need my time to absorb what I'm doing in my life and and and reconnect with my values right on a consistent basis. And one of my values is learning. I love to learn. It's funny because it was terrible in school, but I do love to learn. I do so love to research and learn topics that I liked, not necessarily the board of education.
00:11:19 Mike Pietrzak: What they tell you to learn. I find it very ironic that you were a middling student and and you became a teacher for.
00:11:29 Royal Carney: I am a phys. ed. teacher, so it's like that, but but the funny thing is when I went back to school because it took me awhile to get to university, but when I went back my friends were like what you going to be posed, teacher like? No, no, I'm going to prove you guys wrong. So I got my teachables in English and history. But, as fate will have it, your destiny's your destiny. I went in for to apply to grades seven and eight position and the principal looks at me and says nah, we just had an opening in phys. ed., you're a phys. ed. teacher.
00:12:00 Mike Pietrzak: The universe has a sense of humour doesn't it?
00:12:02 Royal Carney: Yeah, no, it's hilarious, but it's good, though, because it was meant to be like I'm teaching what I want to teach through phys. ed.
00:12:10 Mike Pietrzak: Yeah, I know you have quite an interest in physical fitness and I see on your front page of your website is wearing a shirt, a Gracie Jiu Jitsu. You know I took a few Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes in 2018 but had to put it aside for various reasons, looking forward to getting back to it once COVID calms down. There's plenty of gyms here locally but I see the connection between martial arts and unlocking potential and other areas of your life. Do you still train and and how martial arts impacted your life?
00:12:41 Royal Carney: Yeah, well, I, I've I do train. I have been training since COVID, but I'm just doing do training on my own now.
00:12:50 Mike Pietrzak: Bodyweight stuff?
00:12:52 Royal Carney: Yeah, yeah, I have. We have in our house, but I got one in the basement because I train people here and in our driveway. I've got a big gym there too, so I got heavy bags, set up, etcetera. But the I've trained many martial arts I've trained, was boxed in high school. So that's another one. So I started in boxing. Then I went to Counter Sleeves, martial, hurt and went and I've studied Wing Chun, kung-fu I've studied it for a little bit and brazilian jiu jitsu. But the one I spent the most time in other than boxing was Sistema. Russian Martial art.
00:13:32 Mike Pietrzak: Oh yeah!
00:13:33 Royal Carney: So yeah, so I've transferred a lot of those skills. Martial arts, especially Sistema, has really taught me a lot about teaching people right and going deeper inside them, and realizing that people can be pushed farther than they think they can.
00:13:51 Mike Pietrzak: Interesting.
00:13:51 Royal Carney: They have an access to power that, a lot of times, and this brings us to other areas. But we'll talk about it later that people can be pushed beyond what they think they can and they just need a good mentor to to guide them along that path. Right, because pushing too hard you can break someone, but if it's too soft they don't grow. So you have to really find that balance. So I found martial artist really helped me with my teaching, more so than forget about the self-defense aspect of it. That's just a small portion of it.
00:14:22 Mike Pietrzak: Yes, it's been my experience as well. I mean I haven't really done much in the martial arts, but I found CrossFit around 2012.
00:14:30 Royal Carney: Right.
00:14:31 Mike Pietrzak: Very small groups of people with the trainer watching over your learning the Olympic weightlifting movements, we did a little bit of gymnastics and that exactly taught me how to push myself. You know there's always a little bit more gas in the tank you don't want to hurt yourself you don't do something stupid and that you're doing the wrong form, injure yourself, the physical fitness training does train you for other areas of life, which I love. To me that was discipline.
00:15:02 Royal Carney: Yeah, and that's one of the things I'm proud of at Bond Academy, the school I teach at, like our students have really grown over the last 15 years through the past program and how far you can push them like I've the grade one running 30 minute runs like wow. I know that, I know the is not doing that. I work at a private school, but it's amazing what they can do like there's when you don't put a limitation on yourself right and it's but it's it's interesting. You look at those crossfit athlete, they're like some of them, they're doing insane work and it's like the mirth, like you know, they work up the mirth, the dead like it's it's incredible that humans can do like. Look at David Goggins. You know David Goggins. They.
00:15:45 Mike Pietrzak: Oh yes, I listened to the book on audio.
00:15:49 Royal Carney: Yeah, it's like, but it's it's incredible how, when you push yourself, you get stronger from it right? It doesn't weaken you and I think a lot of parents are afraid to push their children right here, afraid.
00:16:02 Mike Pietrzak: And I think, a lot of parents also they don't think that the physical fitness and the creative pursuits, music and art, they think it's not as valuable as the science technology, education, math, which is sad because you know you want to lead a life that includes all those aspects, and you want to be a whole person, not just you know, strong in one area, like you know academics, and lead an intellectual life, because it's going to create problems down the line.
00:16:27 Royal Carney: Socially and also like a mental toughness aspect of it right. How are they developing mental toughness? Because if you're a doctor, you're a lawyer. You're going to need that mental toughness at point in your life. You're going to come across a case, you're going to come across surgery that you haven't faced in the textbooks. How are you going to deal with that? How are you going to deal with that adversity right? How are you going to be brazilian to bounce back when the times are tough or in life life is going to be tough at some point right? So it's like how? How can we teach our kids to have that resiliency and call upon that strength when they need it? And I think the way the world's going now they're going to need more right.
00:17:07 Mike Pietrzak: I'd like to say that to be alive means having problems. There are some people who will will look at those problems and say: forget, I just can't do it, they'll exit from the challenge, but there are those that say: okay, well, I kind of love this. You know those were the growth mindsets that say this is really interesting problem. And you know I do believe you can start to learn to love your problems no matter what comes, because they're going to come, no matter what comes. You can't sit in your, in your house and just hide away from the world, so how do you develop that that love of problems, that that resiliency, that discipline to just face them and go through them?
00:17:47 Royal Carney: That's a good question right, I mean that's like man if I had that answer. But I think there's like little ways right for for teaching kids teenagers it's like through through the like. I get them doing little challenge, physical challenges right like as far as time the runs go, as far as pushing them in basketball games when they're tired, when they're hurt and they want to come off. But I know they're not really hurt, pushing them to stay on because they have a responsibility to their team and to all the practices that we put in. It's not just as easy as I'm tired and I want to come off and I'm quitting right. So sports and fitness is a great way to build that, Brazilians, and it's also changing your perspective. Like you said, like if I have a little bit of adversity, don't view it as a problem, view it as a challenge and you change your perspective on it. So you become empowered by that situation as opposed to coward, to it right. You empower yourself through yourself. Perspective right. You're changing them the issue. I don't want to call it a problem because if you call it a problem, that's a problem right there.
00:18:58 Mike Pietrzak: You can shift the language and call it an opportunity.
00:19:00 Royal Carney: Opportunity, yes, exactly.
00:19:04 Mike Pietrzak: And I've noticed that a lot of the times, the suffering that we go through it's self-created right. Yes, there's a problem, but then we add complaints to it, the negativity, they bellyaching, and it makes it twice or three times as bad to deal with. Whereas if you just invested your energy to meeting that challenge or fixing the problem, you'd be so much happier!
00:19:26 Royal Carney: Yeah, yeah, and again, you're right, because that empowers you instead, right as opposed to weaken you right. I think we do a lot of things that weaken us. As a coach, it's a great area to hit.
00:19:39 Mike Pietrzak: Well, let's talk about habits and, and you know, discipline. I know there there was another book I want to read in the David Goggins vein, a former Navy Seal, Jocko Willinck, had a great line in a book by the same name. "Discipline equals freedom." I love that. You know when you're handling the everyday stuff, making the bed, doing the dishes, taking care of your body, taking care of your mind, you experience less bullshit, and you have far more time to focus on and enjoy the big picture stuff. Tell me about your thoughts on habits and and what that means to you.
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00:20:12 Royal Carney: Well, I mean like obviously our habits make, create our reality right? If I'm studying consistently for a course I'm taking, probably I'm going to do well in that course. If I'm eating healthy and working out all the time, I'm probably going to be physically fit and feel better about myself. But it's the, it's the doing that's the tough part. Right, like we have all the answers, you can Google anything in the world. We have such access to information now it's like nothing is a mystery, but but it's the doing, the doings, the discipline right. Can you study every day, school, direct someone who gets through choo and becomes a great surgeon and somebody who doesn't like just discipline? They they they studied consistently. They did what they needed to do consistently. So it's the doing right, the discipline every day to be healthy. That's the hard part I find when I train people and coach people. It's like that's the hard part to people right. It's like it's the simple things. They want some creative, magical answer, but it's not that it's like it's are you disciplined enough to have great habits, consistently right, healthy habits consistently, you discipline enough to put in the work. The doing is the tough part. I mean we all know that our habits are what are going to make. Good habits are going to create the...
00:21:39 Mike Pietrzak: And I think this has been a challenge for humans since forever. I mean I remember reading Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic, he talks about how... you know, "stop talking about what a good man looks like, just be one," you know, and even for him, the emperor of the known world, he was struggling with taking action. Why is it so hard for us to just do it? We know that that the outcome will be much better than than the outcome of not doing, so why don't you do it?
00:22:06 Royal Carney: Because it's hard, it's hard, it's easy to sit on the couch, it's easy to sit on the couch and we all want comfort right. It's easy to sit on the couch and eat Cheetos and watch your favourite Netflix shows and binge watch, and instead of creating a business, instead of studying, instead of eating health, instead of exercising, because it's something in human nature that goes back to comfort right?
00:22:28 Mike Pietrzak: I may ask you a question, that that is really a self-interested question. I'm very interested in this for my own personal research. What's an ideal percentage of doing to not doing or the not doing maybe is recovering or relaxing. I mean maybe it's personal to the person but like, obviously you can't push all the time. How much rest should you take?
00:22:50 Royal Carney: Yeah, you want to balance too right, like I say 80/20, because like I even say that to people like who who are trying to like, fix the I'm not a dietician, but to fix their eating right, to create more healthy habits and like 80/20 rule to start with, because if you're if you're if you're depriving yourself or you're trying to push all the time, you burn out, right? So I mean, what would you say?
00:23:18 Mike Pietrzak: Well, I know that I've burnt myself out many times and and you know, I'm sure the last time wasn't the last time. I love working and I have a habit of, you know, push, push, pushing and I ask my friends and family. Hey, how much do you think this is me trying to escape my problems and how much do you think I just love working? I don't know. I mean I typically, you know, I get working around around eight in the morning and I quit by four, I take my daughter, we cook dinner, we go to the park, whatever, and then you know she's in bed by seven and from like seven till ten, I'm pretty much relaxing. You know, three hours out of 16 waking hours seems to work for me. You know, and and my wife and I have a good balance, she starts working at 4. So for me it's working now, but I feel the need, or I feel the pull, to start doing more. Because I could work till seven, 8 in the evening no problem. It's almost like a compulsion.
00:24:11 Royal Carney: Yeah, and again, if that works for you, that is, that's that's fantastic. Right, all right, your schedule. I'm similar to your schedule sometimes, if I'm training someone early I start earlier, but but I need that downtime too. Because I think I'm more effective coaching or training someone when I can absorb more of the process. Right, like thinking about my my clients more what they need more: doing a little bit more reading and researching on my own, watching a podcast. That might give me a great idea that I can implement and apply. So I know I need that time, recovery time too right, but it's not just recovery & rest time.
00:25:00 Mike Pietrzak: You you mentioned, you know, withdrawing from from the work, I suppose. That would include withdrawing from people. Do you physically go somewhere else, or how do you get your solitude?
00:25:11 Royal Carney: I either do it in my office right here, or I like to think that everybody has their think-tank in my car. So I do and I listen to a podcast or just think, and oftentimes really good ideas will come to me then. But that that's me, it works for me. The movement of the car, I go into like this almost hypnotic state where I'm just thinking and absorbing and boom an idea will come and I use that.
00:25:38 Mike Pietrzak: It's almost like that Carl young concept of the sacred space where we're creating and imagining, doing the mental work. I'm a car person too. I love to drive, love just driving a little bit of light music and just go. You know, the other day I went, I left the house and came back like nine hours later, didn't have a direction, just drove North, end up in Kincardine, Ontario and went for a hike, and it was one of the best me days I've had in a very long time, I'm with you on the need to have that time to reflect, get away from it.
00:26:12 Royal Carney: And some people get energized by groups right. Constantly being in groups of people don't get energized by the opposite, which is weird because I'm a teacher of groups of people, then I need that opposite balance.
00:26:25 Mike Pietrzak: Well, I personally identify as as mostly introvert I mean nobody is 100% one or the other, but yeah, I'm I'm definitely introverted side. I love my alone time. But I still need and crave the social time, I think well all do. I don't think anybody is an island.
00:26:41 Royal Carney: Absolutely, and I've I've really noticed that too with myself. As I used to say, I don't really need that, but I do because through COVID I noticed that I missed it a bit right.
00:26:50 Mike Pietrzak: And COVID has been a wonderful teacher of self-reflection.
00:26:55 Royal Carney: Absolutely it has, and I think a lot of people have had time to really size up their lives. You know, because of the time we've had, not having to rush after work anywhere and working at home, et cetera. So I think it can be a really good process for us to to develop ourselves if we, if we really utilize the last 18 months.
00:27:20 Mike Pietrzak: In the beginning, you know everyone was was panicking, and what are we going to do? What's going to happen? And you know I had those same feelings as well, but there was a part of me that said this is great. I can. I can now now have an excuse to sort of cancel meetings, to no go anywhere, to take a bit more time to myself, It was for me welcome reprieve in the beginning. But after several months though, it's like ok, I'm missing the social aspect. I need. I need to get back to that, I miss that. Going a little bit stir crazy in the house here and I live in a loft with my wife and an 18 month old baby, we don't have doors we can close. It's all this big, you know wonderfully beautiful space, but there's no, there's no alone time. Let's get in the car or go to where I'm at now, my office, Interesting experience. So let's go. Let's go back to your, your teaching and your work coaching. A lot of young men, I'm especially interested to know about your experience there, because I've observed that you know our world in 2021, very good at supporting young women, which makes me happy because the world needs empowered women. That's that's wonderful. Unfortunately I don't see the same kind of supports for boys and young men. It actually seems like society is actively discouraging masculine traits and masculine behaviours. You know which, in the case of stamping out patriarchy, that's great, but there's a lot of great masculine qualities. What have you noticed, and what do you think is going on here?
00:28:45 Royal Carney: Yeah, I definitely I love this question because I've definitely noticed this the last 15 years teaching and I've noticed a progression in it. I was mentioning to you before that, yeah, my, my wife is a really strong woman. She plays, she played sports life, very good hockey player and ice-hockey player, and she is very good. She had, like university, scholarship offers and and still plays right. And I have two daughters who want them to grow up a very strong women, which they will be. And a lot of the the female students that I've taught over the years are such amazing, amazing people and some of the adults work with right now are just amazing females, so strong internal strength in abundance right. But I've really noticed the difference. The last 15 years with our males are responding to adversity right in their ability to be resilient, like we talked about before is great, and so it's really manifested in our school. With our championships. Our female teams win multiple championships and our male teams hardly win any. And again it comes back to that resiliency and I've really tried to wrap my brain around it to figure out why are our boys teams not as resilient as our girls? They can be down and out game, underdog team and come back. It's happened many times, but it's never happened with our males. So it's very interesting now. It's an interesting situation right, and what I think we need to do as a male role models and parents is really really starts to model that strong male, that strong male model right. Model healthy habits. First of all, when we come home from work, instead of grabbing a beer and sitting on a couch, get out there and play with your with your sons right, get them outside and throw the ball around, kick the soccer ball around, go on, jog, do something really healthy and productive, or moderate yourself right, model it yourself and really pay attention, and other ones. Pay attention to our children, talk to them, have constant communication with them. Don't be on your phone, texting somebody from work when you're home. Really focus on your children. Focus on setting good habits and setting a good example for them and teach them to be resilient, especially our boys, like we're doing that with with, with with our girls, but not our boys. Teach them to be resilient when they get knocked down. Tell them, get up, get back in the game, don't baby them, and I'm noticing the mothers are babying the boys too much right.
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00:31:55 Mike Pietrzak: Yes.
00:31:55 Royal Carney: So stop babying them. You're not babying your daughters. Stop babying your sons! We need strong men in this world right, strong men who are going to stand-up and be leaders in our future. So building that resiliency with being totally honest with them. When they quit, you tell them they quit and don't let them set challenges for them, whether they're fitness challenges, academic challenges, and hold them to those standards, because that's what we're doing with our females. So the males have to follow suit and because we need that in our world, we need that masculine energy. We're going to be strong in a positive way right.
00:32:31 Mike Pietrzak: I'm taking notes here because I have an 18 month-old daughter and I want to teach her to be strong and resilient and intelligent and clever and all those good things, you know fantastic advice. I agree with you. I see that there's a lot of babying going on and you know that might sound like a bit of you don't know may be unfair, but yeah, it's true that it's happening and it doesn't serve anyone when you treat someone... I'll give you an example, so you know my parents taught me fairly poor money habits. You know we never were, struggling with money growing up. We were middle class, but so my parents gave me a car and you know they paid for my university and you know they, they helped me out a little bit, getting started and set up in my first apartment. And unfortunately I think that actually hurt me. I mean first, they didn't really teach me good money habits, my parents were awesome and taught me a lot of great things. But on the money habit side things, we never had a discussion about financial stability, we never had discussion about resilience, we had never had discussions about sticking with piano, I wanted to quit piano, they said okay, no problem, you dont want to do it, no problem. So I could have been a fantastic pianist, but I never stuck to it, I never stuck to sports, you know. I was on the basketball team for a while. Soccer team, never continued. Decided to quit. Replaced that with drinking unfortunately, at a young age. I wish my parents had taught me that, but you know, and it's something we want to teach. Of course both you know both our girls and our boys, but so you know. Obviously something that occupies a large part of my thinking is: how can I be the best dad to my daughter? You coach parents of teens as well. What are their biggest challenges? What you see is their pitfalls, maybe their flaws, and how can I as a dad avoid doing that to my daughter?
00:34:27 Royal Carney: Some things I see are just being a consistent person right. Consistency is one of the most underrated skills we can have. Right, we're not. We don't talk about it that much, but being consistent, so consistent in my thinking, saying and my doing. All right, if I'm telling my daughter to be healthy, eat healthy and not too much sugar and I'm filling my face with it or I'm going outside and having a smoke. Well, I'm not congruent. Subconsciously she's not going to listen to that right. She's learning by watching me. So it's it's the consistency of my modelling. I have to model the behavior that I want in her and it's the exact same at school. So it's like a lot of parents want their kids to be focused in school and want them to be paying attention and listening to the teacher and doing well in sports and doing well in music. But they get to school every day late. They're frazzled and are confused right so
00:35:33 Mike Pietrzak: Mixed messages.
00:35:35 Royal Carney: That's right, their life isn't congruent. So number one is a congruence in yourself. If I'm going to teach some one something like just like you coaching, if you're going to coach a client to do something and have good habits, you have to have them yourself. Otherwise that message isn't coming through. So as a parent it's the same thing if I'm modelling the wrong behaviours, but I'm trying to teach opposite ones the examine.
00:36:01 Mike Pietrzak: The doctor smoking a cigarette, as he tells you to quit smoking comes to mind.
00:36:04 Royal Carney: That's right, or the dentist with bad breath and when I was growing up, my dentist had the worst breath, and it's like this just doesn't match-up.
00:36:15 Mike Pietrzak: He sends you the wrong message about the importance of the dental care.
00:36:20 Royal Carney: Right, so it's like there's there's no congruency right. So what are they learning? People learn mostly by watching, not what's said but what they see right. What they see are the example set. So we really have to live that way and set that example. As parent, I want my kids to be concentrating on school and focused. Well, my life must be focused. I have to be able to get them there on time. The lunch has to be packed. There has to be a system and an order to things right. Otherwise otherwise that message isn't coming through them right. That's the message they see every single day at home. So what we try to teach at school gets undone by what's done at home so as to be a congruency happening there, right consisting system.
00:37:04 Mike Pietrzak: I completely agree with you and I notice this with my daughter as well. You know she I can you know, she's starting to become verbal a little bit at this age. she watches what we do and she'll do the same thing. And it's like how did you learn how to do that? Well, she watched us like one time, maybe three weeks ago, learned how to do that.
00:37:22 Royal Carney: Sponges. How old is your daughter?
00:37:25 Mike Pietrzak: 18 months.
00:37:26 Royal Carney: Oh yeah, it's fun because, like my nephew, is the same 18 months and he grabbed the phone the other day and he goes like this, starts scrolling!
00:37:38 Mike Pietrzak: Ha ha ha yeah! It's a window into his daily life.
00:37:43 Royal Carney: Yeah, yeah, and it's like they watch so much and they absorb everything right and so develop, especially at this age. The development is so important.
00:37:53 Mike Pietrzak: You raise an interesting, another interesting topic here is the role of phones in children's lives. Obviously you and I didn't grow up with you know a cell phone in hand, but my daughter, we don't we don't let her play with it, but she'll grab it sometimes and she'll see us using it. I'm sure that she's going to have a very different childhood than I did with all this technology. You've been a teacher for 15 years. What are you noticing with with the role of technology now in homes and in the classroom and how is that changing people?
00:38:22 Royal Carney: Yeah, attention spans are shorter right, so that's just how the phone is designed and the access to information is designed right. Look on Instagram. Even like for us adults, it's like you've got two seconds to get our attention on a scroll right. Otherwise I'm I'm past your post. It's like it's like minimizing our attention span as we go so to. To get the attention of our kids is going to be much harder. We have to be more creative as parents and teachers to to capture their attention. But I think if we're authentic, like I said, we live like what we're teaching is how we live. I think that's our best shot to get there too.
00:39:06 Mike Pietrzak: So is the strategy, then, to to say between the hours of x and y and I'm not going to touch my phone, or what do you do?
00:39:14 Royal Carney: For the parent?
00:39:15 Mike Pietrzak: Yeah, for the parent.
00:39:16 Royal Carney: Yeah, that's tough, I think, so I think like what I'm trying to do with my girls when they're talking to me, and I've caught myself a couple of times doing none. We all make mistakes and we have to regroup and go back and refix ourselves. But I'm I'm on my phone scroll and Kennedy's talking to me, my oldest, and I'm like what am I doing? This is exactly what I don't want. So I have to put my phone away and focus my attention on her, because I feel if I do that I'm giving her the best shot to to have a voice and confidence.
00:39:49 Mike Pietrzak: Yeah, it doesn't send the best message to your child if, if you were giving them half your attention, whether it's with the phone or doing something else. I mean, I think you know at any age a child wants to be heard. And want to be. To be connected to their parents. My dad was often absent and missed a lot of birthday parties and you know plays and things like that. And and you know you sort of have to start working off that. I don't know. Karma that childhood upbringing when you're an adult.
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00:40:21 Royal Carney: Yeah, I think it's it's I think there's a relation. This isn't anything that I read in study or anything like that, but there's a relation to us focusing on our children and giving them that voice and their confidence. Right and confidence is a huge attribute. As you know, coaching people, I mean if you don't have confidence, you can only go so far, right or not at all. So you need that self belief in that voice right and you can work from there. You can work, you can do anything if you got that.
00:40:53 Mike Pietrzak: I've noticed that confidence is something that's mentioned quite a few times on your website, so obviously an important value for you, how do you... well two questions? How do you impart that confidence to somebody? How do you train them? Second thing, you know, why is it important?
00:41:13 Royal Carney: Well, to build it in somebody is to give them a voice first of all, and and that that's first, to really listen to them right and and in a way it imparts that what they're saying is important. And second is when you're like as a teacher, I'm constantly building them up with with, with praise, not only praise, like I'm severely honest at school. If they don't work hard in a game or doing fitness week and they're not working hard, I'm totally honest with them. I said it wasn't your best effort and I'm not that nice when I say it, I'm very strict with it because I want them to build that resilience right and when they start building that resilience and they have a voice together with that I find their confidence goes up right and it has something to do with the physiology, like creating a strong physical person as well as the mental side of it. Right really helps with the confidence. That's why I love the fitness and sports aspect, the building some one up. So through my coaching, my life, coaching, I really maintain a physical element to it, especially with the teenagers and kids. So those areas I really try to hit right. So so, praise, giving them a voice and being completely honest with them, so they can build that resiliency right and bounce back next time too, because when they bounce back they come back from a bad effort. You can see that they're empowered from it. They've taken control of their life through action.
00:42:53 Mike Pietrzak: That honesty, I think is something that's lacking in the educational system but also, I think, from parents sometimes. There's a desire to only want to give the praise, you know positive reinforcement, but there's I do believe, there's a role for negative reinforcement. I remember I had this, this teacher in grade ten, computer class, and you know the regular teacher was was off on sick leave or something, and then he came in to replace her, he was this ex US military guy, very, very strict, disciplinarian, I ate that up, I love the, I craved that structure. I crave that he would tell us when our work was terrible. And I think, especially the boys and the young men too, but you need that, you need someone to tell you no, you made a mistake. You messed up like this is not the way you want to operate.
00:43:41 Royal Carney: That's right. One of the best learning lessons I ever had was playing MTHL hockey, GTHL now. My uncle is David Branch, he's the former President of the Canadian Hockey League. He's now the commissioner of the Ontario Hockey League, so he was at my game watching and so I got. I got like two goals and an assist that game. So after the game I'm like pretty happy. Come out of the dressing room. I'm ready for my uncle to say that was an awesome game. He goes, that was your worst game I've seen you play.
00:44:14 Mike Pietrzak: Really?
00:44:15 Royal Carney: And he said: yeah, you lost like five battles in the corner. You didn't win any battles on the board, you didn't back check properly. Yeah, you got two goals and one assist, but you guys won like 9-1. So it wasn't a very good team you played, you didn't work hard and I was like so. That hit my nervous system literally like it shocked me to the core, and I've used that to this day. Like just because you get like 20 points as a basketball doesn't mean you had a good game. You might have played terrible on defense and given up 18 on your side right, you might not have dove for that loose ball, you might not have rebounded, boxed out properly. So honesty is huge right.
00:44:49 Mike Pietrzak: And that speaks volumes that you're talking about, this story years and years later. It stuck with you.
00:44:55 Royal Carney: Absolutely that stuck with me was like maybe 13 at that time, so so it's it's very interesting, like when you apply these, these lessons to kids, they actually respond to it. But our parenting isnt coinciding with that. On the whole there's some great parents, but on the whole, from what I'm seeing, it's like that honest element is missing and that pushing element is missing. So the resiliency is missing right.
00:45:21 Mike Pietrzak: So this is a bit of a wake up call to any parents watching that. Don't don't be so, don't be so weak with your children. The tough love thinking can work.
00:45:31 Royal Carney: Not all the time. It's got to be a balance right, but you can't always be like you said. It's not always positive, it's not. Everybody gets a trophy. What are you learning that everybody gets a trophy? That's another.
00:45:41 Mike Pietrzak: Well, I think that teaches you that life is easy and when you hit the real world you realize it's not. You have to work for what you want if you want to build a business or climb the ladder or whatever you want. There's going to be a lot of work involved and and, like you said, those challenges to sort of have the resilience to bounce back from those challenges. Well, I think that's that's fantastic place for us to leave. Is there anything else you want to leave us with before we wrap-up?
00:46:12 Royal Carney: No, I love this conversation. This is awesome. I'd love to do it again.
00:46:15 Mike Pietrzak: Oh yeah, it's been a pleasure.
00:46:16 Royal Carney: If anybody wants to check out my website, it's thesilentpathcoaching.com.
00:46:24 Mike Pietrzak: Is that the best place to find you?
00:46:25 Royal Carney: Yeah, yeah, and also Instagram, @carneyroyal. I have a lot of posts on there from coaching and training that I do, but that's the best way to reach me is on my website.
00:46:46 Mike Pietrzak: So we'll put those in the youtube notes and on the website as well.
00:46:50 Mike Pietrzak: It really has been a pleasure. I'm glad we connect and found each other serendipitously and I'm sure we have more conversations ahead of us Royal so thanks for your time today, I appreciate it.
00:46:59 Royal Carney: Thanks Mike. I really appreciate it, this was awesome..
00:47:01 Mike Pietrzak: All right, we're going talk again soon.
00:47:03 Royal Carney: Alright, great thanks.
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Coach Royal Carney: https://www.thesilentpathcoaching.com